to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
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I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis