Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
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Eggs benadryl my favourite
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.