Probably my best painting.
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I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
#polloftheday
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”