I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
back to work
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Morning.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said