interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
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Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?