My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay