Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
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*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/