The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
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Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Real House Wines.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.