Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
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Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me