A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
You Might Also Like
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Good news
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.