How and why my FUR ROOM exists
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I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Vodka burrito was a success
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.