Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
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Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse