christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
You Might Also Like
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
ready to be harvested
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Good news
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
smartest karate player in the world
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Did I do this right
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.