I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
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Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.