a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.