You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.