before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”