me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
You Might Also Like
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones