I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror