My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.