So can we start calling them Traylor now?
You Might Also Like
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.