God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
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My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*