I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge