Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
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I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.