Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.