Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 馃ぇ馃檮
You Might Also Like
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
that鈥檚 it, I鈥檓 firing that gardener
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom馃嵎: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
When you鈥檝e brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who鈥檚 fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Don鈥檛 talk to me until I鈥檝e had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn鈥檛 remember the title or what it鈥檚 about.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Mis茅rables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life