Uh oh…
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
decorating my apartment
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised