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My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
the answer was staring at me all along
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.