HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
You Might Also Like
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me in tagged photos
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first