why isn’t thunder called soundning
You Might Also Like
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.