[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
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I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
thank god
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.