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if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
This is sending me to another galaxy
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.