Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
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“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
The Birdles
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Not today
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
A short story about romance.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.