*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows