Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
@ candidates for local office
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Y’all ready for this
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.