If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
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“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils