Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
britain’s three elite institutions
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
this is funnier than any friends episode
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals