5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself