Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
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COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
what’s the point then??
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Seems legit
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …