“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
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How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*