Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
You Might Also Like
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?