Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
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[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals