They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
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Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15