I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
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instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.