What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days