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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there