Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
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Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.