My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?