Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.