“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.